You
by dimiserunt eam mane
Summary: Ricki's fingernails dig into her skin, a gasp falling from her opened mouth as she stares through the two way mirror and into the interrogation room as Kate moves from sitting in front of their suspect to the back wall. She can't describe the betrayal that courses through her, suddenly; can't begin to think straight. All this time, she'd known? AU - Femslash!Caskett
1. Chapter 1

_I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it._

Ricki's fingernails dig into her skin, a gasp falling from her opened mouth as she stares through the two way mirror and into the interrogation room as Kate moves from sitting in front of their suspect to the back wall. She can't describe the betrayal that courses through her, suddenly; can't begin to think straight. All this time, she'd known?

_Kate… stay with me… I love you._

It felt like a punch to her gut.

When Kate emerged and met her, all she could do was stare. Hurt crashed through her, mixed with slight anger and confusion. It made a dangerous cocktail in her mind.

"Castle?" Kate asked, lifting an eyebrow in her direction. She couldn't remember even sitting down in her chair, nor did she realize that the entirety of the time had been spent staring at her. "Is everything okay?"

Ricki desperately wanted to tell her that it was, but the longer her silence held the longer Kate's anxieties rose. But how could she be expected to just smile and tell her that she was alright? Especially after so long of her thinking that Kate's shooting was a black and white blur and nothing had stuck with her.

"Ricki?" she asked quietly, voice dropping. "It's not Alexis or anything… right?"

She was alert then, shaking her head furiously. "No, Kate," she said slowly. "Alexis is fine. It's just…"

She had no words.

After all this time, after writing books about Kate and books before her, she was suddenly silent; suddenly tongue tied. All she could do was stare; she wanted so badly to scream at her, to tell her that she had crossed a line and that she should have come clean. Trying to stop from hurting Ricki's feelings aside, perhaps she would have just moved on with her life, or come to terms with it.

Oh, who was she kidding? She'd probably always be in love with Kate Beckett. Returned feelings or not.

"I watched your interrogation earlier," she started slowly, sinking her teeth into her lower lip as she stared at her. There was no hint of regret or recognition in her features and for a moment, Ricki wondered if she were playing dumb on purpose. "I heard what you said, Kate… about your shooting."

Kate visibly paled. "Ricki… I…"

"Please, Kate," she begged hoarsely. "No excuses… just… why?"

Kate dipped her head, forced to find words that could no longer be expressed in anything other than _I'm sorry_ or _I didn't mean to hurt you_. And while both of those statements were true, the clichés wouldn't go past the writer and she certainly would need to supply a reason better than that.

"What I told you… on the swings, Castle? It's true." She said instead, licking her lips. "I have these walls around me, walls that nothing has been able to penetrate for such a long time and then you came in and the way I was attracted to you scared the shit out of me."

Ricki held her breath, waiting for it – the excuse. There had to be something; had to be a reason why Kate would decide to keep this from her for nearly a year. But there came nothing but silence and a heated glance. Kate sunk her teeth into her lower lip and dropped her gaze, fingers digging into the arms of her chair.

"So what?" Ricki asked, angrier now. "You just let me go on thinking you had no recollection as to what happened that day?" She pushed up and grabbed her coat, throwing it on her arm. "I guess I shouldn't have expected any less."

Kate wasn't permitted time to speak as Ricki turned and walked toward the elevator, slamming her palm into the button. She tried to stay calm, tried to keep her bearings, but even as she tilted her head back and looked at her partner, one thing ran through her mind on a continuous loop.

_How could I be so stupid_?

* * *

><p>She'd barely gotten through the door before her mother and Alexis were crowding her, talking about Alexis' upcoming graduation and plans they'd made and she felt dizzy listening to it all but she smiled politely and palmed the back of her daughter's hair, wondering where the last eighteen years of her life had gone.<p>

God, she needed a drink.

They ordered out, Thai food which happened to be Alexis' favourite. And during dinner when her mother dared to ask about the precinct and Beckett, she'd shut her down almost immediately.

"So, where are you going back?" Alexis asked, faltering on her words.

Ricki took a pause and then pulled a tight smile on her face. "I'm not."

She thinks their silence means they're both shocked, but they don't mention it. Neither of them does.

* * *

><p>Days come and go, weeks pass; she doesn't contact Kate and in turn, Kate doesn't contact her. She tries to convince herself that she's happy about that. It doesn't work.<p>

Ricki becomes understandably blocked when it comes to her writing. Nikki used to be her release, but now it reminded her too much of Kate, too much of the what-ifs they could have had together. It became a problem when her ex-girlfriend began poking for more chapters, more books, more money, but she dealt with Gina the only way she knew how: ignoring her.

A week after Alexis' graduation, she was curled in front of the fire, reading _Heat Wave_. Her daughter had been whisked away by her grandmother that morning and she was occupying the space of the loft by herself until the next morning when she would join them in the Hampton's.

There was a knock on the door and she lifted her eyes up toward the sound and shut the book, standing up and walking toward the door. She hovered for a moment before opening it up, her mouth falling agape some. "Beckett?" She asked, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. "What are you doing here?" She asked quietly. "What do you want?"

"You, Ricki," she said softly, quietly. "I just want you."

* * *

><p>AN: This is a short little fic I've been wanting to write for a while and got around to. The first chapter is sort of short. The second will be smut. :) You can read it here or by clicking through the read more. I hope you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

Kate's arms reach and cradle her skull between her palms, shortening the distance between them until their lips are pressed together and her mind is in delirium. Kate is here and her mouth is moving against hers and she's too shocked to reciprocate or decide whether or not she wanted them there; wanted Kate that close.

Oh, who was she kidding? She'd dreamt for months about this.

But despite all of that, she was pulling away, pushing at Kate's shoulders. It wasn't because she needed to breathe either, even though the burn in her lungs reminded her that she very well did.

Suddenly, she was hit with the realization that Kate had lied to her, that Kate had pushed her away on purpose. Kate didn't love her; she didn't need her…

"Kate," her throat is suddenly dry and she tightens her hands into fists against the woman's shoulders. "You can't do this…"

It doesn't strike her immediately, the crestfallen expression that crosses Kate's features. Ricki's initial reaction is anger; how could Beckett just think that she would accept her back so easily?

_Because you would – you have._

The truth was, and had been for a long while, that she would have gone to the ends of the earth with Kate – had given so much of herself to this woman because she'd fallen irrevocably in love with her. Anger could not so easily cover that up.

"I'm so sorry, Castle," Kate was whispering against her skin, lips so close to hers that it would only take a shortening of a small distance before they would be back there again. Her heart raced in her chest. "I'm so sorry."

Kate's arms twisted around her, tugging her until their chests pressed together and Ricki closed her eyes as she felt Kate's lips against her skin, a soft sigh escaping from her lips. "Beckett…" Ricki pleaded, her resolve wearing down quickly. Kate pulled back, fingertips dragging down the length of Ricki's cheek, pressing up on her tiptoes to brush their lips together slowly, carefully until they melded together. Ricki held her breath.

And then she laid down her guards and began stepping them back until Kate's back was pressed against the door and her lips were against her neck, her collarbones and essentially everywhere they could reach. Kate's nails scratched her skin and she mewled into the touch.

"I love you," Kate whispered against the shell of her ear, soft and sweet and exactly what she needed to hear in that moment. "Always."

All the anger she'd held close to her for the past months seemed to melt away as their bodies and lips moved together. Kate's lips skimmed across her neck and it fell to the side, leaning into every touch as it seared her skin. Kate pulled away first, staring up at her with expectant eyes and Ricki reached down, capturing their lips in a languid kiss, her fingers dancing along the edge of her hairline while her other hand moved to grasp Kate's in hers, breaking their kiss only to lead her toward her bedroom. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest and she struggled to keep her breathing and her thoughts in check. Tomorrow, she thought. Tomorrow they would discuss what happened to lead her to Ricki's door in the damn near middle of the night.

Tonight she just needed the press of their skin together. She needed to feel the touch she'd been dreaming of for such a long time, long before she realized how intense her feelings for Kate had been.

Ricki's fingers slid underneath the shoulders of Kate's jacket, tugging it until it hit the floor with a loud slap. Her fingers danced along the edge of her shirt then, touching her clavicle as she reached the first button of Kate's blouse and pushed it out of its slot, moving down and continuing the cycle until the damaged flesh of her wound struck Ricki's eyesight and she halted, staring down at Kate breathlessly.

She could remember that moment so vividly; she'd been terrified that she would lose her in that moment and she nearly did for all intents and purposes. She'd stayed long after everyone else had, waited until the doctors came out and in whispered voices told Jim Beckett the extent of her injuries and stayed even longer after that.

She'd stayed until a nurse finally looked at her and told her that she could sneak in and see Kate so long as she stayed quiet. And she'd promised but seeing Kate there, so fragile and lifeless; she couldn't hold back the sob that had escaped. She'd come back days later, at Kate's request, with flowers and a joke, only to have her heart broken.

But that was in the past; they were here now, Kate's soul was opened wide for her and she was taking whatever she would give her. Without another thought, she lowered her lips to the wound, thanking whatever had been sitting on Kate's shoulder that day; thanking whomever saved her.

Kate's fingers ran through her hair and she startled, lifting her head and allowing it to be dragged into another kiss. Her fingers continued their way until Kate's shirt hung open and she slid her hands underneath, feeling the silky softness of her skin underneath her palms. She sighed into the kiss and Kate did too, pulling back to remove the shirt and move onto Ricki's.

She'd only been wearing a baggy grey t-shirt that Kate almost immediately recognized as the one she'd been wearing after the fire that destroyed her apartment. Ricki had worn it for weeks after that, breathing in the scent of her partner and wondering why it had comforted her so much. It hadn't taken her long to realize it and she'd pursued it, but she'd destroyed that too.

_The past_, she reminded herself and sunk back into the moment, relishing in the feeling of Kate's fingers dancing along the clasp of her bra, eyes quietly seeking permission. Ricki leaned into press her mouth hard against hers and Kate took that as an answer and removed the offending garment within only moments. Ricki's fingers repeated the process on her girlfriend – could she call her that now? – And soon they were pressed bare chest-to-chest and Ricki could feel the heavy beat of Kate's heart. It grounded her to know that she wasn't the only one affected by the other in this moment.

She played with the button on Kate's jeans before sinking to her knees, pulling them down until they were a puddle around her ankles. Kate stepped out of them, her heated gaze focused on her. If she could focus more on anything other than the sweet smell of Kate, then she would probably feel embarrassed. She pressed a kiss to her thigh and stood back, feeling Kate's arms wrap around her waist and tug them back together. Kate pressed a sloppy kiss against her jaw and shoved the sweatpants she had been wearing on the floor, her panties following soon after.

The feeling of being bare before her was indescribable; she had many dreams like this before but she would always wake up before they could get anywhere, or wake up with the searing feeling of fire that the idea of Kate always left inside her. She removed Kate's underwear with a flick of her thumbs and then began leading them back to the bed, pressing Kate under her grip.

Her lips danced along the swell of her breasts, pausing only a moment to drag her teeth across the perkiness of her nipples before she led a trail down her stomach. Ricki's hands pressed Kate's thighs apart and nipped at the inside of her thigh before sinking her mouth against her center, not wasting any more time. They'd already wasted far too much of that.

Kate's hands twined through her hair as Ricki's tongue lapped against the wetness, darting between the sensitive nub and her heated center, moans spilling from her tongue. Ricki pressed the pad of her thumb against the nub and began rubbing slow, sharp circles that caused Kate's hips to jerk up. Ricki laughed gently.

"Not… funny," Kate gasped, shaking her head. Ricki smirked in response and dipped her tongue back inside the depths of her walls, massaging the roof in time with her thumb. The brunette's eyes darted up to watch Kate as she reacted to each touch, each swipe of her tongue.

She brought Kate to a gradual climax, her thumb replaced by her mouth and tongue replaced with her fingers. She dragged the first wave out of her, nudging that spot with as gentle as a touch as she could. Slowly, she sped up her shallow thrusts, her tongue rolling around the nub as her mouth sucked hard. Kate came in a swirl of screams and swears.

Kate Beckett was a beautiful woman in their day to day life; she would never deny that. But somehow, sprawled in post-coital bliss was the most beautiful version of Kate she'd ever seen before. She held her breath and crawled back up her body, pressing kisses wherever she could reach until they were face to face. Kate's hand cupped her cheek and nudged their mouths together, her tongue gliding inside her mouth easily.

Ricki ran her fingers through Kate's hair, cradling her skull as their lips moved together in a languid motion and pulled back with a gentle sigh, grinning as Kate struggled to catch her breath. "Wore you out already, Beckett?" She teased. Kate shook her head.

"We're just getting started," she grinned and flipped them over, pressing Ricki against her back. She moved down the length of the bed much faster than Ricki did, her lips moving exactly where her girlfriend needed them.

Just as she was on the edge, Kate slid up the sheets and pressed her lips against her ear. "You coming, Castle?"

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks to all who read this little two-parter and thanks for your support!


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